The Do’s and Don’ts of Telling Your Children Their Parents are Getting Divorced

AvatarDonna E. Van Scoy, Principal

Few couples marry with the thought that someday they will be divorced. Fewer couples have children with the thought that they will be children of divorce.

Despite parties’ intentions, divorces happen. If you have children and decide to divorce, PLEASE make every effort to work together to tell your children you are getting divorce. Your children will remember how they found out their parents were getting divorced. Your children will remember how each parent told them or if a parent did not discuss the divorce with them. Your children will remember how each parent acted during the divorce. PLEASE put your children first when telling them their parents are divorcing.

Whether your children are five, 18, or somewhere in between, you are their parent, their mom or dad. They need you to be the adult during this emotional time in their lives. You and your spouse will also be dealing with your own real and raw emotions. Every effort needs to be made to work together regarding the information your children receive so it is consistent and they do not become involved in the details of the divorce.

DON’TS:

  1. Do not race to be the first parent to tell your children that their dad or mom is leaving the family. There is no need to tell your children that their mom or dad is having an affair. There is no need to tell your children that dad or mom is unhappy and wants to go live their own life.
  2. Do not refuse to allow your children to communicate or see their parent because your spouse hurt you or they are being unreasonable in the divorce. Nothing good can come out of you refusing to allow your children to attend an important family event with their other parent because it is you “time.” Remember your children are part of each of their parent’s families. Your children love both of their parents and both sides of their family.
  3. Do not share details of the family finances with your children. Do not specifically blame the other parent as a reason they cannot have something or do something.  While better not to address, if necessary, come up with joint and consistent statements to the children about financial issues.
  4. Do not use your child(ren), no matter how old they are or how much they offer, as a sounding board to discuss the divorce. It is important during your divorce to have a support person and/or group. That person or group cannot be your child(ren). Look to organized groups, a therapist, friends, and relatives (minus the children).
  5. Do not ever share any written documents or Court documents concerning your divorce with your children. It does not matter how old your children are they are still the children and the document is still sharing information about their Mom and Dad.

DO’S:

  1. Love your children more than you dislike your spouse. You children deserve to hear that each parent loves them and that the love will not change because of the divorce. They need to hear the divorce was not their fault.
  2. If possible, tell your children together with your spouse about the divorce. For suggestions on how to talk to your children consider speaking to their pediatrician, a therapist, reading articles, and/or reading a book. Investigate the best way to communicate with your children depending on their age. Determine if you should tell all your children together or separate. If as parents you cannot tell your children together, agree on a plan of how, when, and what to tell them separately. Don’t ignore their questions and answer them in an age appropriate manner. Share with your spouse details of the discussion.
  3. Allow your children to take their possessions (including clothing, outerwear, uniforms, and shoes) between households. Respect the other parent and children by timely returning and sharing the possessions. If important to the children and possible, allow the family pet to travel with the children. Be extra patient with your children as they learn to move between homes. Both parents need to work together when items are forgotten or misplaced.
  4. Observe your children. It is possible they may need and/or benefit from seeing a therapist. If you are unsure but concerned, contact their pediatrician, teacher, and/or school counselor. Also, speak with your spouse.
  5. Spend quality time with your children. This will be a hard time for you and your children. Spending time together will help you and will help your children. Making new memories allows everyone to move forward.

For more information, contact Donna at 301-610-0110 or devanscoy@lerchearly.com.

Visualizing Your Life: Achieving Your Post-Divorce Goals

Chris RobertsChris Roberts, Principal

I have found that an effective way to face divorce is to visualize your future post-divorce life, then work backwards (so to speak) from that end goal to take the steps necessary to achieve it. This strategy can help you shape the positions you take during the divorce and create a light at the end of the tunnel.

I discuss this concept in detail above. Please don’t hesitate to follow up with me at cwroberts@lerchearly.com and check out my bio for more on my practice and background: https://www.lerchearly.com/people/christopher-w-roberts.

Is the COVID Pandemic Hindering Your Child’s Chances of Future Success?

AvatarErik Arena, Principal

“…[I]t ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!” – Rocky Balboa

Since roughly April 2020, the concern I’ve heard most from clients, friends, and colleagues alike – what is the pandemic doing to my child’s academic and social development? This question is causing unquantifiable angst for many, particularly with no end to the pandemic in sight.

Until our local jurisdictions return to full-time, in-person learning, and even after that happens, what are the traits and skills parents can teach their child or children to ensure he or she is still positioned for success? 

Author Paul Tough provides a refreshing take on this topic in his 2012 book, How Children Succeed. In its introduction, Tough describes the book’s mission:  “… to solve some of the most pervasive mysteries of life:  Who succeeds and who fails? Why do some children thrive while others lose their way? And what can any of us do to steer an individual child – or a whole generation of children – away from failure and toward success.” 

Tough’s approach – study those that have, and have not achieved success by academic, scholastic, or professional avenues, in similar and differing environments, to define the traits common among those who succeed. 

Tough and others, cited in his book, posit that common denominators for success are not necessarily intelligence quotient, mathematical abilities, reading or writing competence, or mastery of social or applied sciences. Rather, they are, more consistently, character or personality traits such as perseverance, grit, curiosity, social intelligence, conscientiousness, optimism, and self-control. 

Viewed in the context of the COVID-pandemic, what might this mean for you and your child? Well, if Tough and his colleagues are correct, parents need not necessarily worry if their child is falling behind a bit in math or science or any particular course or courses. That might actually be the expectation, given the challenges of remote learning for many adolescents. 

Instead, parents can use the challenges of the pandemic to further their children’s perseverance, grit, curiosity, optimism, and self-control. How might one do that? 

  • Encourage them to test daily the limits of their intellectual and physical abilities and curiosities;
  • Incentivize them to exhibit a bit more perseverance and self-control each day;
  • Providing constructive encouragement and feedback to reward effort and perseverance, and foster optimism and grit, regardless of success or failure. 

For more information, contact Erik at eparena@lerchearly.com or 301-657-0725.

Decisions, Decisions: Can your spouse make them for you if you lack capacity?

AvatarHeather Collier, Principal

Too often couples find themselves in a situation where due to age, illness, or accident, one spouse no longer has the ability to make decisions or handle life’s responsibilities – in legal terms, that spouse lacks “capacity” – and there is no plan in place.

What happens then? Can your spouse make decisions for you simply because they are your spouse? If not, are they able to obtain authority to make decisions on your behalf even if you are already incapacitated?

My colleague and fellow guardianship practitioner, Jenica E. Cassidy, associate attorney at Lerch, Early & Brewer, joins us as a guest author on this post to answer these questions:  

Can my spouse make decisions for me if I lose capacity just because they are my spouse?

If you become incapacitated, your spouse does not automatically have authority to make all of your decisions and handle your affairs. This can have far-reaching implications, ranging from accessing your bank account and paying your bills to speaking with doctors and consenting to medical procedures. If you don’t already have a power of attorney and an advance healthcare directive in place, your spouse may have no other option but to seek guardianship over you.

What is guardianship?

Guardianship is a legal procedure where a court appoints guardian for a person who has been determined to lack capacity to make and communicate responsible decisions for themselves and handle their personal affairs.

The guardian can be appointed to handle financial matters or healthcare and personal matters, or both. The guardian essentially steps into the shoes of the incapacitated person and has control over all aspects of the person’s life. Because of this, the court takes guardianship very seriously. A person seeking guardianship over another must file a detailed petition along with medical certifications verifying the incapacity. They must also provide notice to people close to the incapacitated person. The court will appoint an attorney to represent the incapacitated person and will hold a hearing before appointing a guardian. If anyone objects to the guardianship, the contested matter could proceed to a jury trial.

Suffice it to say, the guardianship process can be emotionally taxing, financially burdensome, and may carry on for many months. On top of that, it requires disclosing deeply personal information to a public record where a judge or jury will make the ultimate decision regarding who has control over your affairs.

What can I do now to make sure I have control over who makes decisions for me if I am not able to make them for myself?

It’s best to avoid guardianship if you can. It’s meant to be a matter of last resort after all other options have been exhausted. The best way to do this is to plan ahead. Prepare the appropriate estate planning documents. Name your spouse or a trusted individual to make decisions for you and handle your affairs should you lose the ability to do so on your own.

What type of lawyer do I look for to help me with these issues?

If you are planning ahead, see an estate planning lawyer to help you prepare the appropriate estate planning documents, including powers of attorney and advance medical directives, designating who has authority to make decisions for you in the event of certain circumstances.

If you are trying to pursue a guardianship over a loved one, see a family law lawyer or elder law lawyer who handles guardianship matters.

For more information, contact family law attorney Heather Collier at hscollier@lerchearly.com or elder law attorney Jenica Cassidy at jecassidy@lerchearly.com.