My Top 5 New Year’s Resolutions for Those Going Through Divorce

AvatarErik Arena, Principal

In keeping with the time-honored New Year’s tradition of reflecting on the year past and making resolutions for the coming year, I’ve put together a list of my top-five resolutions for divorcing clients for 2021.

2020 was a year unlike few others. The challenges were several. The landscape was ever-changing. But you persisted.

How can you make 2021 a little bit “jollier” for yourself.

1. Adjust Expectations and Prioritize

2020 didn’t go as planned for many. New challenges surfaced, for which easy solutions were unavailable. The crisis then persisted and persists to this day. Personal goals went unmet, but not for lack of will or desire. You expended the same effort and energy with fewer results. It was a humbling year.

Those realities should guide your-self assessment of 2020. Be forgiving in your assessment of 2020 successes and failures, and don’t view them in isolation (i.e. some of your failures might have been necessary to produce some of your greatest successes). Be realistic about what you want and intend to accomplish in 2021, and leave some latitude to account for the ongoing challenges of everyday living

2. Self-Care is Not Optional

The human body and mind need three things to function at their respective peaks: (1) adequate nutrition/diet; (2) regular exercise; and (3) adequate sleep/rest. Pre-COVID, maintaining 2 of these 3 regularly was considered an accomplishment. That thinking needs to change in 2021.

The COVID pandemic and your ongoing divorce are great sources of stress and uncertainty. They can impact your sleep and eating patterns greatly. If those disturbances persist for long enough, you will find yourself in poor physical and mental health. You cannot be at your best if you’re not up and operating at full capacity. This why self-care should be your number one priority in 2021.

You cannot always regulate your sleep. However, you can regulate your diet and exercise. These investments will yield dividends (i.e. focus, concentration, stamina) with consistency. It is sometimes counter-intuitive to take time away for these things; but they are fuel for the mind and body.

3. Be Intentional with Your Time and Energy

To subsist and thrive in the new reality of 2020, prioritizing and allocating time effectively became premium talents. Mundane tasks like commuting and having business lunches were replaced with parenting tasks and early morning grocery runs. Routines were obliterated.

The pace of information sharing and gathering quickened. We were inundated with stimuli, be they personal, professional, social, or political. It was difficult to decide where to invest your time with seemingly endless choices at your disposal. This explains the phenomenon that was “Tiger King”.

Consciousness is said to be the pause between the stimuli and the response. To be intentional with your investment(s) of time and energy means pausing to assess options before reacting to the many stimuli you will encounter. Ask yourself – what, among these options, can I do next that will advance my goals for myself? If the response does not meet those goals, move on to an endeavor that does.

4. This Too Shall Pass

World War II persisted for seven years. The Civil War dragged on for four years. Even the Ebola virus/pandemic spanned three years. In either 2021 or 2022, the COVID pandemic will be in our rear-views. As will your divorce. Whatever you may be experiencing as far as stress and angst is temporary, even though it may not feel that way at the moment. It is important to remember that and take comfort in knowing that brighter times are ahead.

In order to make those brighter times more vivid in your mind, start planning now for what you want your post-divorce and post-pandemic life to look like. You can use those images to set incremental goals for yourself in 2021, and as reference points when deciding where and how to invest your time and energy (see point 3 above).

5. Build Incrementally Toward Your Goals

Don’t rush to fill the holes you find in yourself during the divorce. Approaching them incrementally, with small, tangible, realistic steps, is the best way to build toward the future you envision for yourself.  

For example, you may envision a future in which you’re re-married to another, more suitable romantic partner. If that’s you, I would recommend against hitting the town with your friends in search of a suitable mate while you’re still enduring the trauma of the divorce. Start by processing the trauma of your separation/divorce and what that means for you as an individual. Figure out what you want to do the same and what you want to do differently in your life moving forward. Then you can start looking for mister or misses right.

The same can be said for many post-divorce goals (i.e. financial security, job security; home ownership). They often seem vast and insurmountable from where you’re standing at the moment. But, if you break them down into several, smaller, attainable steps toward your goal, the path will not seem so daunting.

How to Manage Stress During Your Divorce

AvatarDonna E. Van Scoy, Principal

Few events in life pack a bigger emotional gut punch than separation or divorce.

Before, during, and after the legal process, you should expect to experience denial, anger, bargaining, and depression before you can move on to acceptance. These are normal emotions, and can be true even if both parties agree to the divorce. The grief surrounding a divorce and separation will be different for each person – some experience the full emotional spectrum while others only a piece of it. It is imperative during this time to educate yourself and practice self-care. It will be key to allowing you to successfully move forward with your life. 

Here are five things to remember and consider as you contemplate, begin, and complete your divorce:

1. Accept the Stress. Be honest with yourself. If you are dealing with a life event, such as divorce, stress is part of the process. An important first step is to acknowledge the stress.

2. Seek the Advice of Professionals. Securing an attorney will assist you in understanding the process and the law. Educating yourself about the process and the law will help to reduce your stress. It is important to be comfortable with your attorney. Be sure to be completely honest with your attorney. The attorney can only advise you based on the information you provide. 

An attorney is not a therapist. While they understand what you are dealing with emotionally, their job is to represent you legally. While not everyone needs a therapist during a life event, it is wise to do a check-in with a therapist to determine, with their help, whether a therapist should play a role in your stress management. Having someone to share your truths, concerns, and fears with that is not a friend or family member is often beneficial. Your attorney can help you locate a suitable therapist in your price range. 

3. Identify and Use Support. In addition to the professionals, identify a friend and family member who can and will listen to your day to day struggles. Be careful to avoid sharing the details of your divorce with everyone. Do not discuss your divorce with your children, even if they are grown. 

Speak to your therapist, family, friends, or do a computer search to find a local support group. It can be very helpful to share your story with others in the same situation. It is also useful to listen to others going through a separation and divorce.

4. Exercise Self-care. Each person has their own favorite activities or hobbies. It is important to allow time for yourself. Exercise, sleep, and eating well will be important. Go to the spa, go to the gym, or get a massage. Take a break to go fishing, golfing, or antiquing. Read a book, watch a movie or take photographs. Or try yoga. 

There are several ways to practice self-care. Caring for yourself will be critical. Set aside regular time and use it to relax in whatever way works for you.

5. There Will be Bad Days and Good Days. During this process you will experience both bad days and good days. In the beginning, the bad days will outnumber the good days. Some periods of time will be worse than others. Like the stress itself, acknowledge and accept the bad days. Using the steps above will lead to the good days starting to outnumber the bad days.

The separation process will come to an end. A resolution will occur. You will be divorced.  Most importantly, you will move forward.