The Do’s and Don’ts of Telling Your Children Their Parents are Getting Divorced

AvatarDonna E. Van Scoy, Principal

Few couples marry with the thought that someday they will be divorced. Fewer couples have children with the thought that they will be children of divorce.

Despite parties’ intentions, divorces happen. If you have children and decide to divorce, PLEASE make every effort to work together to tell your children you are getting divorce. Your children will remember how they found out their parents were getting divorced. Your children will remember how each parent told them or if a parent did not discuss the divorce with them. Your children will remember how each parent acted during the divorce. PLEASE put your children first when telling them their parents are divorcing.

Whether your children are five, 18, or somewhere in between, you are their parent, their mom or dad. They need you to be the adult during this emotional time in their lives. You and your spouse will also be dealing with your own real and raw emotions. Every effort needs to be made to work together regarding the information your children receive so it is consistent and they do not become involved in the details of the divorce.

DON’TS:

  1. Do not race to be the first parent to tell your children that their dad or mom is leaving the family. There is no need to tell your children that their mom or dad is having an affair. There is no need to tell your children that dad or mom is unhappy and wants to go live their own life.
  2. Do not refuse to allow your children to communicate or see their parent because your spouse hurt you or they are being unreasonable in the divorce. Nothing good can come out of you refusing to allow your children to attend an important family event with their other parent because it is you “time.” Remember your children are part of each of their parent’s families. Your children love both of their parents and both sides of their family.
  3. Do not share details of the family finances with your children. Do not specifically blame the other parent as a reason they cannot have something or do something.  While better not to address, if necessary, come up with joint and consistent statements to the children about financial issues.
  4. Do not use your child(ren), no matter how old they are or how much they offer, as a sounding board to discuss the divorce. It is important during your divorce to have a support person and/or group. That person or group cannot be your child(ren). Look to organized groups, a therapist, friends, and relatives (minus the children).
  5. Do not ever share any written documents or Court documents concerning your divorce with your children. It does not matter how old your children are they are still the children and the document is still sharing information about their Mom and Dad.

DO’S:

  1. Love your children more than you dislike your spouse. You children deserve to hear that each parent loves them and that the love will not change because of the divorce. They need to hear the divorce was not their fault.
  2. If possible, tell your children together with your spouse about the divorce. For suggestions on how to talk to your children consider speaking to their pediatrician, a therapist, reading articles, and/or reading a book. Investigate the best way to communicate with your children depending on their age. Determine if you should tell all your children together or separate. If as parents you cannot tell your children together, agree on a plan of how, when, and what to tell them separately. Don’t ignore their questions and answer them in an age appropriate manner. Share with your spouse details of the discussion.
  3. Allow your children to take their possessions (including clothing, outerwear, uniforms, and shoes) between households. Respect the other parent and children by timely returning and sharing the possessions. If important to the children and possible, allow the family pet to travel with the children. Be extra patient with your children as they learn to move between homes. Both parents need to work together when items are forgotten or misplaced.
  4. Observe your children. It is possible they may need and/or benefit from seeing a therapist. If you are unsure but concerned, contact their pediatrician, teacher, and/or school counselor. Also, speak with your spouse.
  5. Spend quality time with your children. This will be a hard time for you and your children. Spending time together will help you and will help your children. Making new memories allows everyone to move forward.

For more information, contact Donna at 301-610-0110 or devanscoy@lerchearly.com.

What You Need to Know About Maryland’s Revised Child Support Guidelines

Maryland’s Child Support Guidelines, which are used by the Courts to establish and set child support in most cases in Maryland, had not been substantively adjusted in 10 years. The new law, which updates the prior Maryland Child Support Guidelines statute, is effective for all cases filed after October 1, 2020.

There are two noteworthy updates to the Maryland Child Support Guidelines statute – one, intended to address the “cliff effect” (i.e. a substantial decrease in child support) that occurs once the non-custodial parent reaches “shared physical custody”, which was formerly 128 overnights per year or more (or 35% of the overnights or more). The other – extending the presumptive application of the Guidelines to families earning up to $30,000 per month, thus doubling the former threshold.

1. Increasing the Threshold for Application of Guidelines

Prior to October 1, 2020, the Courts, unless they found sufficient reason(s) to deviate therefrom, were required to apply the result of the Maryland Child Support Guidelines calculator in all cases in which the combined adjusted actual income of the family was $15,000 per month (or $180,000 per year) or less. Now, the Maryland Child Support Guidelines calculator result is the presumptively correct amount for all families earning a combined adjusted actual income of $30,000 per month (or $360,000 per year).

This should provide more prompt and predictable results for families earning between $180,000-$360,000 per year. Above $30,000 per month or $360,000 per year, the Court has discretion in determining the level of child support.

2. Addressing the “Cliff Effect” in Shared Custody Situations

Under the former Maryland Child Support Guidelines, a family transitioned from using the “sole custody” calculation method to the “shared custody” calculation method once the non-custodial parent had the child or children in his or her care 35% or more overnights per year. That transition produced a “cliff effect” – a large drop in child support for the custodial parent once the 35% threshold was met. Not only was the “cliff effect” hard to understand for parents and courts alike – it also led to custody and access disputes motivated, in part, to manipulate child support.

The new Maryland Child Support Guidelines define shared custody as the non-custodial parent having the children for at least 25% of the overnights or more, with incremental adjustments in child support when a parent has between 25% and 50% overnights, to lessen the impact of the former “cliff effect” at 35% overnights. This means non-custodial parents who have their child or children 25% of the overnights or more should see their child support obligations decrease under the new guidelines from what they would have been under the former guidelines.

As to how a non-custodial parent who has their child 25% or more of the overnights will see their child support obligations decrease, take as an example a family where both parents of one child earn adjusted actual incomes of $12,000 per month ($24,000 combined). If Parent A has the child 75% of the overnights and Parent B has the child 25% of the overnights, under the former guidelines, Parent B would pay child support of $1,554 per month, but under the new guidelines, Parent B pays child support of $1,330 per month. If in that situation Parent A has the child 66% of the overnights and Parent B has the child 34% of the overnights, under the former guidelines, Parent B would pay child support of $1,554 per month, but under the new guidelines, Parent B pays child support of $746 per month.

For cases filed after October 1, 2020, the new child support guidelines will be used to establish initial child support orders, both pendente lite (pending trial) and permanently, as well as to establish the level of child support in cases involving modifications of existing child support orders.

Existing child support orders can be modified based only on a material change of circumstances. Courts have found a material change of circumstances in numerous instances, including but not limited to loss of a job, medical issues, retirement, education issues, changes in the needs of the child, etc. However, the adoption of the new child support guidelines is not, in and of itself, a material change of circumstances for purposes of modification of child support.

If you have minor children, adult destitute or adult disabled children, you should consult a family law attorney about how the new guidelines may affect your child support obligation or award.

Getting Divorced? Get off Social Media!

Erin KopelmanErin Kopelman, Principal

“Privacy is dead, and social media holds the smoking gun.” – Pete Cashmore, CEO of Mashable

Eighty-one percent of lawyers find social media networking evidence worth presenting in court, and 66% of divorce cases use Facebook as a principal source of evidence, according to a recent law review article. These are striking numbers worth paying attention to if you’re considering divorce.

A Real World Issue

Your social media posts can and will be used against you.

Just imagine you are on a dating website before you separated from your spouse. Or, in a moment of anger or frustration you post about your divorce and/or your spouse. How might this affect what a judge decides about the custody of your children or your finances?

Now imagine that you claim because of a back injury you cannot work and need alimony, but there are pictures up on the internet of you dancing on a bar, horseback riding, or doing a cartwheel. What might that do to your alimony claim?

Obtaining Social Media Evidence is Easier Than You Think

A person can usually download the profile and postings of others with whom they are “friends” on the site. If your spouse has “un-friended” you, you can ask someone else to secure your spouse’s social media.

Some people going through divorce “un-friend” their spouse and their spouse’s friends and family on their social media, feeling a false sense of security that their spouse is not going to see their profile and posts. Not only does this hurt their relationship with these people, but if someone sees something on your profile that they find interesting, you’d be surprised how quickly it makes its way back to your spouse.

Be aware you can also ask for enforceable discovery requests for the other side to download and produce their social media account profiles and postings. And, your spouse can also subpoena your social media profiles, accounts and postings directly from the provider. 

If you’re posting on social media, you must assume that whatever you post will be seen by your spouse, and if you don’t settle, a judge. If you are considering a divorce, immediately consult a lawyer and stop posting social media. There are rules about the destruction of evidence, which may include social media. When meeting with a lawyer provide them full disclosure about what there is online about you. 

And, going forward, the best way to protect yourself is to not post.  

Are You a Stay-at-Home Parent?

In a Divorce, You Should Consider These Five Tips

AvatarDonna E. Van Scoy, Principal

In the event of a divorce, the stay-at-home parent often feels the negative impact of the decision of who stays with the kids.

Marriage is hard and requires continued work to be successful. Even with hard work and commitment, not every marriage succeeds. According to Earth & World, 46% of marriages in the United States fail. If you are going to be the stay-at-home parent who becomes the financially dependent spouse, consider the following tips to protect your future (and your children’s future).

  1. Manage the family money/assets or at the very least be fully aware of the family money/assets. Communicate regularly about the finances and assets (monthly or quarterly is best).
  2. Where possible be sure all assets are joint assets with both names appearing on accounts, titles, and deeds.
    1. Find a vehicle to establish a retirement account for yourself.
    2. If your family works with a financial planner, establish at the beginning that all communication are to be sent to both you and your spouse and that you both will be involved in any meetings (including phone calls/texts).
  3. Read and fully understand your state and federal tax returns before they are submitted. If you have questions, make sure they are answered.
  4. If you have a profession, take the steps to remain relevant in your field.
  5. Maintain or create contacts outside of your spouse. Be aware of your spouse’s work world and participate where appropriate.

Being an active spouse in the financial part of your marriage helps to ensure you have the necessary knowledge to assist your attorney, allows you to contribute to settlement discussions, and ensures your ability to move forward in the event of a divorce.